sikilmahfud

Sunday, 27 December 2009..

This is the first time I don't go to church after I commit to be faithful for Jesus since July 2009, and this Sunday actually there is no activity that can prevent me to go church.

But I don't go.

No, not because I'm lazy. Not because I feel angry with Him. I won't be angry with Jesus, because He's the best for me.

I just feel doubt. Doubt with my decision to go to church. In the church I often feel uncomfortable. There are many reasons for example feel alone, my mom doesn't agree with me and so many that I can't mention here. In the past I hoped I can find true happiness with coming to church. But why today I don't feel so? Even in Christmas Day, December 25 2009 I felt uncomfortable. Isn't it funny?? Coz this year is my first time to celebrate Christmas for myself!

I ask God, if a person that's not always go to church every Sunday, Christmas or Easter, does it mean unfaithful?? If a person that's always go to church, does it mean faithful?? Or he/she just cover himself/herself with fake religion??

Now I feel doubt. I just pray, hope I can find a place that I can communicate with Him comfortably. I also pray so I can have deep desire to come for Him. If I go to church without deep desire to worship Him, but just Sunday's daily activity, isn't it fake??? I want to be faithful, love Him more and more, but I just don't know how to do. I don't know what He wants from me.

Please Jesus, I feel doubt with my decision. I just want to feel true happiness when I pray and sing for You...