sikilmahfud

It has been four years since I accepted Jesus in my heart.

But in the moment, I feel like I am in the lowest point of my faith.

I often feel angry with God.

I feel, even if I turn out become bad people, He doesn’t care.

At this moment, even to obey the simplest word of Him, I couldn’t.

Sometimes I spend out my night with anger instead of praying.

Also, I often can’t bear temptation.

I don’t know how many times I pray

“God, I need community to grow up.”

“I can’t be alone.”

“I need someone more mature to guide me to You.”

“I can’t spend all my time in home without friends guide me to You.”

But until this moment, God remains silent.

Looks like He doesn’t care about me.

Now, I feel very very not decent to do His work.

I often say to Him

“I can’t keep any promise in You. I am weak, please choose others.”

“I really can’t do Your work. If I do it, while my life isn’t right in Your eyes, people won’t trust me.”

“I am afraid being a hypocrite.”

“Why do others have community to support while I am only alone?  Do You forget me?”

“Why was I born if I born to be lonely?”

I write this, not to blame God.

I only express my true feeling.

I just don’t want to be a hypocrite.